Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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