She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
