I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
