the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
