I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
