remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
