You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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