could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
