you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Randomize
