Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
After tacos, we're chasing women.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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