I wish my penis had an off switch
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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