i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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