At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
You don't make any sense
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