You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
