Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
