Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
