When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
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