on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
