i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
