I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
