you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
