well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
