I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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