I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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