Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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