im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
