he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Randomize
