I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
