just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
