Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
