Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
