My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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