So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
