Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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