She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize
