The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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