he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
