my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
