Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
