cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
