ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
