don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
