Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
