My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
