So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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