Well douche your snatch and let's go!
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
