Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
