My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
