somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
