so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to cum to Chingy?!
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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