I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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