You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
