So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
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