Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
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When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
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Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet