can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
