so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?