my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
