Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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