I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
