Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
